Ability Forum

srividyaa · Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:07 am Post subject:

Hahaha......good one......

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Unnimaxx · Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 7:03 pm Post subject:

Student's excuse on getting mark zero for maths:- Teacher had no STAR to give me, so she gave me the MOON!

Kr_iyer · Posted: Wed Aug 11, 2010 6:36 pm Post subject:

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:08 am Post subject:

Entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic.
First line, and the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up sweating and screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you are not.

I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who said poetry is boring?

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 8:23 pm Post subject:

An airplane is coming to land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility...

... is practically nil, the radar system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too...

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:03 pm Post subject:

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch...

... in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a practical exercise at a military police base...

..., the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 9:10 pm Post subject:

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial ...
- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt.

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:16 pm Post subject:

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam...

... after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2010 6:59 pm Post subject:

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:56 pm Post subject:

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS!

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:12 pm Post subject:

A school teacher was quizzing her students.
"Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He said, "Darn if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, heck, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that darn thing, heck, you darn well better admit it!"

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 10:43 am Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.  

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."  

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!  

Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"  

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."  

"From hunger, you mean?"  

"No, from de skippin'!!!!!"

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Thu Sep 30, 2010 7:33 pm Post subject:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Tue Oct 05, 2010 5:44 pm Post subject:

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE

Kr_iyer · Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:52 pm Post subject:

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging...
.... that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right. Get in."

_________________
If they answer not to thy call walk alone,
If they are afraid and cower mutely facing the wall,
O thou unlucky one,
open thy mind and speak out alone.
RABINDRANATH TAGORE